What is life apart from Jesus?

I have tasted life apart from Jesus. I lived that life for 17 years. The life of sin, selfishness, and death was painful, pleasurable, and confusing. I came into the light...TA DA...and everything got flip turned up-side down. Then I'm learning to live a new life...new rules, getting healing, experiencing power, love, acceptance, and beauty like I never knew.

I have been chosen, I have been called, I realize I am part of something extraordinary.

Then why, or better yet, HOW, have I allowed for compromise? I read past journals or think of experiences of when I was "on fire" for God. I made passionate commitments that were full of zeal for Jesus. Yet, what happened? How have I gone back on my word?

I need to begin to talk less and act more. I need to take what I say and what God reveals to me as sacred secrets of His Heart. It is a time of maturity. Weather I am in a time of consolation or desolation it does not matter. Pursuing God, living a live of complete devotion is the only way to live at all. If I choose another way, I make out God to be a liar.

I will spend my life, my efforts on you my Lord. Thank you for your grace to your servant. You reveal your heart and your love over and over again though I trample upon it time after time. Forgive me my iniquity and cleanse me of my sin, make me white as snow. I desire to live a life of devotion to you...not a life full of "devotions" but a life in which every single area of my life is for you. Weather I eat or drink or whatever I do, I wish to do it for your glory. Please help me in this effort Papa. I'm all yours, once again.

Jesus is where IT'S at :)

Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life....anyone who wishes to go to the Father goes through him (John 14:6). Jesus is the door, He is the gateway, He is the narrow path, He is where the greatest joy can be found, and the deepest sorrow. Grasping the greatness, the humility, the manhood, the godliness of this person Jesus is unfathomable yet...he desires relationship with us. How crazy! All this to hopefully encourage....KNOW the Jesus is the way, put your trust in Him, He will never fail you. Man will always fail you...he is full of sin, selfishness, greed (I will always fail you). But Jesus, will never fail. Trusting in this person has changed my life forever and growing in relationship with him is wonderful..(and at times painful ;).

We praise you Lord, both now and forevermore. We thank you Jesus for your greatness as our God and thank you for your humility as fully a man. Increase in us. May you wash us again of our sin and pour over us with grace. We thank you for your constant attention and love in our lives. All the time, weather happy or sad, weather at peace or in strife, we praise you!

The Kingdom Life

What does the manifestion of the Kingdom of God look like for us here on earth? Catholics pray every Sunday and Jesus teaches all to pray for His Kingdom to Come.

The Kingdom of God is like a mustard seed that a farmer goes and plants. It is the smallest of seeds but it yields the biggest plant in the entire garden. The Kingdom of God is like yeast which a woman puts into a large amount of flour until it is worked through the entire dough. The Kingdom of God is like a hidden treasure in a field that when a man found it he sold everything he owned and bought the entire field. The Kingdom of God is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. Once he finds one of great value he sells everything to buy that one. The Kingdom of God is like a net that catches a huge amount of fish. The good fish will be kept and the bad fish will be discarded. (Matthew 13)

The rules of the Kingdom are much different than the rules of society. Misty Edwards describes the Kingdom of God saying, "It's the inside, outside, upside down Kingdom where you lose to gain, and you die to live." One day the Kingdom of the world will become the Kingdom of the Lord, our God. But how can we begin to live in the Kingdom of God here, now, today?

By enjoying the pure pleasures found in God that are readily available for us here on earth. A swim in the pool, a trip to a lake, enjoying a meal with a brother or sister, gardening, being creative in the arts, building something...it is a return to child like pleasures. Who must one be like to enter the Kingdom of God? A child. Innocent, pure, lovely, playful, free...children do not carry the weight of the world on their shoulders, they do not stress, they don't muse on the past or fuss about the future, they live for the present moment.

It is my prayer that we could come close to Jesus today by being the beautiful people he created us to be. Casting all our anxiety upon him, letting go, and enter into a Kingdom lifestyle. And this is just the beginning....oh the Faith in the Kingdom, oh the restoration, oh the health, oh the worship and adoration of the Lord our God, oh the power of the Holy Spirit, oh the battle to keep and advance the Kingdom, oh oh oh.

O Jesus our King...would you reign today? Would you take your place on the throne in our hearts? Would you show us your love, compassion, and mercy today? Would you arm us with the spiritual battle gear needed? O Jesus, you are the mighty, the awesome, the beautiful King. We adore you today.

I will walk by Faith, even when I cannot see.

From Chico, to San Jose, to West Hills, and then Azusa I was able to reconnect with family and friends after my little journey. I was continually praying, asking the Lord to prompt me where to go, who I needed to connect with, and what I needed to do. I prayed a lot in Azusa, asking the Lord what my next step would be, where he wanted me to live and other logistics. In my spirit, I sensed that the next season in my life would not be in Azusa but actually back up in Seattle. As I was driving from Azusa, after spending the afternoon/evening with my church family the Lord brought a song into my heart that consoled my spirit in the deepest parts. It goes like this:

"Will I believe you when you say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words you say
Every moment of every day

I will walk by faith, even when I cannot see
For I know this broken road prepares Your will for me

Well help me to rid my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do

Well I'm broken but I still see your face
Well You've spoken pouring your words of grace

I will walk by faith, even when I cannot see
For I know this broken road prepares Your will for me"

The Next Step....of Faith

This past week has been one of challenge. With extreme revelation and walking with the Holy Spirit often comes spiritual attack. I moved out of the house I was living in due to marital issues between the couple and the Lord provided another home for me to stay in within a few hours.

My brother Tyler will be flying into Kansas City on Sunday night and from there we will drive for a few days to Seattle, WA. I'll be staying there until the March 21st when I'll be going to Chico, CA for my good friend Liz's wedding. I'm looking forward to living in Seattle and beginning to put into practice all the new things I've learned. I think that this time will be a perfect place to make serious life style changes. Please keep me in your prayers.

Thank you to everyone who is praying for me. Your prayers are being answered in many ways. This week has been one of break through in my life. Only by God's grace has He unlocked some serious revelation that will forever change my life and walk with Him.

My previous life style was lived according to Christ and the world. I have the power to live my life anyway I choose (that is the blessing and curse of our free will). I want to live my life fully for Christ...no matter how foolish that may look to people of the world.

It is my hope that you see dramatic changes in my life style as we encounter each other. Please hold me accountable if you see no change in me...ask me, "Ali, you seem the same...didn't you say in your blog that some things were going to change in your life? Why aren't I seeing any changes?" :) (I'm smiling as I say this because I know it sounds silly but I'm okay with that.)

A couple points of revelation I'll share:

*The key to worshipping freely: (this will sound silly also) FOCUS ON JESUS. and then do whatever comes to you through that. When I focus on Jesus, him alone, everything else disappears and I'm captivated. My outward expression could be kneeling, hands folded, jumping, hands out streched, dancing, etc etc etc....but the outward expression is not what is important in worship (though it is freeing to be free do whatever the Lord prompts). The important thing in worship is focusing on the one true God...the three in one, the one in three, our magnificant King. O how I love Him!

*Singing truths of the Bible to God and then Singing them over You: Ok, this one I didn't believe until I praticed it and was amazed at what happened. Sing to God a truth, "God you are wonderful, you love truth, I delight in you." Then...using your name...sing as if you are God, "Ali, I delight in you, you are wonderful to me, you love truth also. Keep seeking me...you will find me. I love it when you search after me." Then singing back to God, "la la la>" And just keep it going. THIS is transforming my self talk and is making the voice of God and the enemy so clear in my life.

Unfortunately, I only have 4 more minutes of online time left at Starbucks so that's all I can share today. Thanks for reading. Blessings, please post prayer requests and continue to seek after the pearl of great price.

Little Portion in Photos

Communion in the Solitude

My stay at Little Portion Monastery was an experience that changed my relationship with the Lord forever. The experience consisted of deep silence, frequent prayer, work and sweet fellowship.

The first week I was tired, adjusting, learning the life style and had tons of questions unanswered. My assigned seat in the small adoration chapel was the very front seat on the left side (about ten inches from the altar). Praise the Lord that the one man I could see in my peripheral vision was a man eagerly after the heart of God. I watched him pray, I stood when he stood, and kneed and out-stretched my arms when he did...he taught me how to worship in our three daily prayer times, unbeknowst to him.

Working on a farm was also new to me but something that I enjoyed so much! Sister Mary Cathrine allowed me to shadow her much of the time as she took care of some sick chickens, collected eggs from the laying hens, and tended to the vegetables in the green house. She also gave lots of love to the pregnant goats who seemed to love her touch just the same. The last week being at Little Portion she was out of town and gave me the privilege of collecting, cleaning, and packing the eggs! I learned so much from washing egg after egg, tending to the laying hens gently, and doing odd jobs all around the monastery (one of my favorites was sweeping the chapel). Working in the quiet allowed me times to practice awareness of my thoughts and focus on Jesus. He began to show me glimpses of what I long to practice, praying unceasingly.

The Lord wants me to be one who does things purposefully, even the most minute of actions. All tasks, weather huge or small, are meant to be done with care, precision, love, and grace. God sees everything we do and cares about everything we do...From the way we clean dishes, to how we speak or listen to friends, to our attitude towards him in prayer. It doesn't matter if the action is great or small, that is not of importance to Him. What is important is our attitudes, our love, who we are in him when these things happen. Oh, this truth continues to be so profound for me, no matter how many times I come back to it. At Little Portion, since so few things were going on (physically, in my mind, etc), I was able to focus on doing the little things with great grace. Even being gone for five days now I can see how I have lost much awareness in my actions.

I must head off to class now. I hope to update soon and with pictures. Please keep me in your prayers.

Update: God is Faithful and Good

Brothers and Sisters,

I apologize for not blogging sooner. My dad and I traveled for five days together on the open road. It was a great time of seeing different parts of the country (we saw 11 states) and spending time with my dad. I also was able to meet my Great Uncle Frank and some other family in Omaha, NE. Throughout the journey God continued to confirm that I was in the center of his will and I had such peace.

On the way down to Arkansas we stopped in Kansas City, at the International House of Prayer, so that I could show my dad where I would be in a month. I also needed to connect with a few people to try and find a place to live while I'd be doing my internship there. As I went into IHOP there was a friendly Korean woman working the welcome desk. I asked her a few questions and she pointed me to the prayer room which was so exciting for me to experience since I've heard much about it but never had a mental picture. I went to go get my dad (who was in the car) and he reminded me to ask the welcome lady about a place to stay. As I asked her she said laughingly, "Well, I have an empty room in my house, you could stay with me." I thought she was joking but apparently not. So I will be staying with Grace who lives in walking distance from IHOP and was the first person I asked for a place to stay. Praise God! God set this up for two reasons: 1. So I would not worry while at Little Portion and could focus on my time there 2. So I would make sure to go to IHOP and not get side tracked.

God is so good. He desires to take care of our every need. He continued to bring up the scripture to me, and I'm paraphrasing, "If I take care of all the birds and all the creatures of the land how much more would I take care of You, my own daughter." We serve an amazing God. He loves us and wants good things for us. Please believe that with me, it is truth that can bring such life and hope when we really believe it. Oh, and the good that He desires for us, usually is not what we think we need but it is best and it is so GOOD.

I am reading a book right now which is called My Other Self by Clarence J. Enzler. It has been such a comfort to me when I am eating alone or when I have a free moment. The book reads as Jesus talking to me and telling me what he thinks...it is full of Biblical truths and teaches me something new everytime I pick it up.

I have to take the advice of my brother Mark and end this blog now. I haven't even began to share about these past 10 days at Little Portion. I just got my Internet ID at the monastery so I will be blogging again soon. Until then, may the peace and love of Christ abound in your lives. Please keep me in prayer and if you have any prayer requests please let me know...I'd love to pray for you.

Proverbs 3:5-6

"Trust in the Lord will all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."

God gave me this scripture last night and I quickly jot it down on my mirror with a dry erase marker. I prayed it maybe two or three times..."God I'm trusting in you. I lean on you. I will not worry, try to figure things out, or move in my own understating. I trust in you with all my heart. It is because of you that I live and breathe. It is because of you that I'm going on this trip. With all my heart, I give it to you."

Then, tonight, looking at it as I was getting ready for bed, I remembered the next part: "In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths." I had to check biblegateway.com to make sure I wasn't making it up but that it really was the next part. It is amazing to me how active and alive the word of God is. It is as if He is speaking directly to me. "Lord I continue to acknowledge you in all my ways. Forgive me for the times I fail to give you credit, to see you, or recognize you. I choose to acknowledge you in this moment and I am trusting that you will direct my paths."